Eat, Anzu, Eat!
by ShayL
Summary: Reposted! The men of YGO decide that Anzu is way too skinny and devise some brilliant stupid plans to 'plump' her up! Warnings: ProAnzu, OOCness, language, etc.
1. Chapter 1

This has been posted before... and been deleted with my earlier massive Pro-Anzu fanfic demise by some unknown force... most likely some Anzu basher.

Anyways, because I liked this ridiculously pointless story... I'm giving it another shot. Maybe it will do better... maybe worse.

This used to be written in script format... now that it's obviously forbidden; it will be rewritten in regular format. A pain, for me, but I shall oblige with their desires... for now, anyways.

Summary: The YGO boys think Anzu is too skinny… therefore, they try to devise plans to "plump" her up a bit… what crazy schemes will they come up with?

Warnings: Extreme OOC-ness, if this bothers you, LEAVE NOW! Language, unlikely couples and 'canon' coupling hints... strange things and events... Darks and lights are separated in their own bodies, which means Dark Malik exists!... etc.

Yami is Yami Yugi

Bakura is Dark Bakura

Marik is Dark Malik

Disclaimer: No, I just use the characters for my own screwed-up amusement.

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Eat, Anzu, Eat!: Chapter One 

The YGO gang (Yugi, Yami, Jounouchi, Honda, Otogi, Anzu, Mai, Shizuka, Ryou, Bakura, Malik, Marik, Kaiba, and Isis) was hanging around in the Domino City Park, watching their surroundings.

A random boy runs by, chasing a random girl.

"Hahaha! You can't get away!" The child cackles, speeding up much to the girl's distress.

Bakura watched this with amusement, then took a glance over at Anzu. 'Is this how I should claim her?' He wondered, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

Anzu, ignorant to all, gets a sudden 'somebody is staring at me' feeling, snapping her head towards Bakura. The white-haired thief immediately looked away, staring at the nearby tree.

Anzu is confused.

An ordinary hot dog man walks by, pushing his loud and clanky cart along. "'ot dogs! Get yer fresh 'ot dogs!" He calls, ringing an annoying bell that hung from a rod that extended from the cart to overhead.

Mai, obviously irritated by this, complains. "What is this? A football game or something?"

Jounouchi and Honda were sitting nearby, when suddenly, one ear on each got three times than normal. Slowly, they turns towards the sound of bell, only to find...

"FOOD!" and thus, they chased the hot dog man.

Malik, feeling as if he were the only sane one in the bunch, was pondering on a serious matter that involved eggs, toilet paper and Kaiba's mansion. Suddenly, as if a god had descended and swapped his thoughts, Anzu came to mind... or to be more precise, her body.

Blinking, he turned to stare at the dancer.

Marik, next to him, was wondering about marshmallows and how they came to be, noticed this act... and got upset. "What are you looking at!" He whispered, rather harshly at that.

Malik, completely and utterly unfazed by the level of harshness he had received, responded lightly. "I just noticed something about Mazaki.

Marik, intrigued with anything involving Anzu Mazaki... and perhaps a bed, leaned over to listen.

"Do you think she's a little... TOO skinny?"

Marik blinked, not expecting such a question. He was about to snap back, lecturing on Anzu's perfect-ness, when he took a good look at the woman. Running his eyes up and down, the psycho frowned. "You have a point."

Bakura, giving up on his 'how to claim Mazaki' plot, walked over. "What are you blondes whispering about!"

Malik hushed him, motioning him to come closer. "It's Anzu. She's too skinny."

Bakura was, at first, highly offended. What right did this ignorant fool have, to even make the slightest comment about the woman? Looking over, he made a quick scan. Blinking, he turned back towards the two. "Hmm... never noticed."

Malik punched his open palm. "Exactly! She hides it so well."

Yami, the supposed superior and MAN of the gang, was watching everyone go about their business. Nothing was to be suspicious. No evil plots seem apparent at the moment... well, except for one thing.

Jumping down from the edge of the fountain that he stood, he stalked over to the three, his stride full of courage and confidence. Stopping right before them, he placed his hands on his hips, brows scrunching into a displeased, yet composed look. "Psychos!" He called out, catching the attention of the bunch. "What are you plotting now?"

Malik was obviously not bothered by this... at least not as much as the others. "Anzu," he replied with such ease.

Yami, not liking a dear friend being the sole topic of three very untrusting fools, frowned. "What about Anzu?" He demanded with a such a force that a random passerby nearly had a heart attack from the blow... or maybe it was just the hair that threw him off?

"She's too skinny."

Right when he was about to go into a long, persuasive speech about rights and equal values and heart of the cards and whatnot, he blinked, turning around. He stared with such intensity that poor Anzu twitched harshly, causing Isis to be concern.

"Are you all right, dear?" She asked, placing a hand on the dancer's shoulder.

"Yeah... I just feel like a huge, mental force hit me at once... or something." The brown-haired girl replied, rubbing her arms.

Yami finally turned away, allowing Anzu to breathe, and paused, an unusual act for such a godly being. Sighing, he admitted defeat, but only to the tiniest amount. "True... she IS a little on the skinny side."

Yugi, was beyond bored. Nobody wanted to duel. Yami was too busy presiding over the park. Anzu was with the girls. Jounouchi and Honda ran off. Ryou was reading. Otogi was flirting with some girls. And then there were the rest... with Yami?

Walking over, he just happened to catch Yami admitting something to the truth that the three beyond had spoken. "Who's too skinny?" The short one asked, wanting to be involved in anything by this point.

"Anzu, Yugi." Yami replied, rubbing the spot between his brows in frustration towards himself for not noticing such a tragic event.

Yugi looks over, eyeing the girl up and down. "Oh... I see."

Otogi, who now just got a couple of numbers, was walking back towards the gang. He first noticed the girls, winking in a greeting. Then he passed Kaiba, ignoring him since the man did not even notice his presence. Finally, he came upon to what we have now. Feeling a little left out, he trotted up to them.

"Hey, what's going on?" He asked, placing an arm on Yugi's head.

Yugi frowned, but responded anyways. "It's Anzu. We think she may be too skinny."

Otogi spun around, hands on hip, and looked. After a moment, he spun back, replacing his arm, and nodded. "I see what you're getting at."

Ryou was reading a fantastic book. In fact, it was so awesome that it could not be described in words. Therefore, it shall not be described. Placing his bookmark between the pages that he stopped at, he noticed the slowly growing group of men ahead. At first, Ryou was a little hurt that the men of the gang may be discussing something without involving him. Then he decided that Yami would not discuss anything with someone like Marik before discussing it with him. So, he marched over.

Pouting, he looked at them. "Hey! I want to know what's going on too!"

They looked at him, initially feeling bad for leaving him out, until Bakura snorted. Then they realized that Ryou was faking it.

Otogi, who doesn't get much action to begin with, answered. "We think Anzu may be too skinny."

Ryou blinked owlishly, turning to look. "Ahh... I see."

Anzu, the poor thing, could not twitching. Mai, being extremely bored as she is, noticed this.

"What's wrong hun?"

"I don't know! I just keep thinking that the guys are looking at me or something!"

The sultry blonde stares, confused, then glances at the huddled group of boys off to the side. "Hmm..."

Kaiba, who was working on a very, VERY important paper, could NOT understand why, in Ra's name, was he sitting in the park with the gang. He shouldn't be here! He should be in his office, working in peace. Nowhere near damn squirrels that hurl acorns at him!

Picking up a rock, he retaliated, slamming the stone into the squirrel hole. A loud noise and chattering occurred, causing the rodents to go on a mad rampage. Unfortunately for them, Kaiba has already contacted the Pest Control Company.

And then the extermination began.

Back to the present matter, Kaiba just could not focus over the loud chitchat from the massive group RIGHT next to him. He especially noticed this when his typed report was full of 'skinny' and 'Anzu.'

Getting very aggravated, he turned his head towards the boys. "What are you geeks doing now?" He shouted, scaring some nearby children into tears.

The boys hushed him immediately, while Yami, the one in self-proclaimed control here, grabbed him by the collar, pulling him in. Kaiba, not one to be dominated, put up a struggle.

Marik, bothered by this, smacked him across the face, startling the brown-haired CEO. "Quiet, you screwed-up mortal!"

"Then tell me what's going on!"

Yugi, the self-proclaimed peacemaker, steps in between the two. "We think Anzu is too skinny."

Kaiba stares at the tyke as if he lost his mind. Then he took a good glimpse of the girl. "Hmm... Mazaki IS rather thin..."

Malik, now satisfied with the size of his army, punched his open palm once again. "Exactly! But no worries, because I have a plan in mind." He grinned, looking disturbingly like Marik.

Bakura, unfazed by the mad grin, snorted again. "Is it even worth trying?"

Glaring, Malik cursed the man from the bottom of his soul. Looking away, he continued with his speech. "Of course! We are doing a good deed here, saving Mazaki from... uhh... err...?"

Kaiba sighed, wondering why he was stuck with these idiots. "From becoming anorexia or bulimic?

"Yes!" The blond Egyptian cried, jumping up. "And so what we men have to do is... plump her up!"

Everyone in the huddle stared at him, as if he officially lost it. Which we could say has already happened, resulting into Marik, but we can just assume that Malik can make many insane copies of himself. That would be interesting, indeed.

Marik spoke first, rubbing his chin. "I don't know if 'plump' is the right term of use. It sounds more as if we're trying to make her fat."

"Perhaps thickening is a better choice?" Bakura added, scratching his head.

Yami, because he was so godly, just had to put in his two cents. "Or maybe 'adding a few pounds'?"

Ryou, feeling left out and the need to be intelligent, cut in. "They all mean the same thing."

"Look!" Malik shouted, exasperated with the gang's indecisive-ness, "We're gonna use 'plump', got it!"

"Yes." They replied, monotonously, not wanting another Marik to be reborn.

Anzu and Mai, along with Isis and Shizuka, were watching the group of boys, but not able to hear what they were mumbling about. Isis swore she heard something on the line of "… use "plump"!" But she wasn't completely certain. Then again, nothing could be certain with those fools (the boys, I mean).

Anzu, now very nervous and unsure, bit her thumb. "I still think they're plotting something."

"Yeah," Mai agreed, nodding, "Against us, perhaps?"

Shizuka punched the air just right then. "Don't worry! My big brother will protect us!"

The other girls stared, then sighed out of impatience.

Isis looked up, eyes full of willpower, quietly stated, "We'll just have to keep a close eye on them, that's all." Of course, it was not unexpected that her gaze floated more towards the blondes of the group.

Duke crossed his arms, frowning. "So what should we do first?"

Malik rubbed his chin, pursing his lips thoughtfully. "Hmm..." He blinked, then stood straight up. "Let's go to a fast-food restaurant!"

"Which one?" Yugi inquired, now seated on the ground from being tottered over by everyone jumping all around. Curse his height... curse it...

"There's Taco Bell, McDonalds and KFC nearby..." Ryou stated, counting off his fingers.

"Which is closer?" Marik questioned, not wanting to walk a far distance, along with saving the woman from extreme starvation as soon as possible.

Kaiba got out his electronic map, along with his multi-tasked, electronic compass and radio. Making a few adjustments, he placed on the headphones and stepped out of the huddle... alone... and slowly spun in a complete circle.

Everybody nearby, including the gang, watched in awe as the CEO worked his technical magic.

Stopping, he breathed a sigh of relief. Placing the items away in his trench coat's mysterious pockets, he looked at the men. "McDonald's."

Bakura jumped up on a nearby bench, punching the air. "To McDonald's then!"

"Good," Malik nodded, grinning almost, but not quite sadistically and rubbed his hands together, "The plan is officially in motion."

All the guys stood up and chest-banged each other as vigorously as possible…

...and then fell to the ground with a couple loud thumps.

The girls were, needless to say, not too impressed.

Ryou, rubbing his sore bottom and chest, had tears springing out of the corners of his eyes. "Why did we do that!"

"How should I know?" Yami shouted, struggling to get free of his cape that he somehow managed to get captured in.

Yugi, one of the few that actually cares, hurried to help his other half.

Duke, suave and smooth, stood up, brushing the little dust barely visible off his pants. Flicking back some hair in such a fashion that made girls swoon, he looked ahead with determination. "Come on guys... let's go."

The men turned, and trotted over towards the ladies.

Malik stepped forward, as the mastermind of the plan, and made a sly, yet sexy grin. "Oh ladies..." He paused, glancing at Shizuka, "... and kid."

This did obviously not affect Isis, as she glared suspiciously. "What are you planning now?"

Malik, mockingly gasped, and took a step back. Clutching a hand onto his shirt right over his heart... or at least where he assumed it to be, his eyes suddenly turned into chibi, watery eyes. The other men, excluding the few who found themselves too superior to such a degrading act, followed his move.

"Sister!" The sane blonde cried out, making a really dramatic scene, full of sparkling tears and gusts of wind for his hair. "Really! How could you think I'm planning anything!"

Isis was obviously one, used to this, and two, has become immune to it, for her blank glare remained in place. "I still don't trust you... or your other half for that matter."

Ryou, seeing this as his chance, quickly stepped in front of Malik, pushing the annoyed one back. Placing hand slightly curled under his one chin, he cutely smiled. "We decided to head over to McDonald's and grab a bite to eat." Holding out a hand and still grinning charmingly. "What do you girls say?"

The girls, Isis included, were about to melt. How could they possibly deny something so impossibly adorable? "Okay!" Jumping up, all four cuddled over the white-haired boy, walking down the park path.

The rest of men stared after them, enviously... and some with murder towards a certain male.

Marik leaned over, muttering. "How the hell does he do that?"

Bakura, with his arms crossed, frowned. "How should I know?"

"He's your other half!" Marik shouted, smacking the thief upside the head.

Malik, obviously pissed with his own failure, turned with a huge vein popping out of his head. "GUYS! SHUT IT!" Sticking his nose in the air, he stalked off like a spoiled brat.

The remainder of them quietly sniggered at the site and then quickly hurried after.

Malik, using super stealth and speed, walks right beside the brunette female. Studying his fingernails, he questioned her nonchalantly. "So Mazaki, what are you planning to order?"

Anzu jumped, being startled so suddenly. Looking to her side, she saw that it was only Malik... Malik... err... Smiling, yet sweatdropping, she responded slightly uneasy "Eh? I suppose a burger and small fries...," Pausing, she studied the male's expression, "What about you?"

Malik was burning with anger. In fact, one could see the flames coming off of him and the steam blowing out of ears, all while he clenched a fist, shaking vigorously. How could this woman think that she could get away with such a tiny portion of a meal?

Poor Anzu thought she offended him... which she did... but not for the reasons she was thinking...

Coughing a bit, the blonde brushed some hair back, regaining his normal composure swiftly. "Well, you know, they got those... delicious Big Macs..." Gently elbowing her in the side, he stared at her knowingly, "You know... those new double burgers? Eh? EH!"

Poor girl...

"Uh? Sure, whatever you're hungry for!" She replied cheerily, which, for once, had the opposite effect.

The flames were coming back...

Bakura, watching the scene with amusement, sauntered up to Anzu's other side, placing an arm gently across her shoulder. Looking off to the side, he cut in, "I think what the fool is trying to say... and can't... is whether or not if you had these... Big Macs?"

Anzu, surprisingly unfazed by Bakura's out of character-ness, cringed a little at the thought of the burgers. "Nah, it's too much for me to eat at once. Gotta watch what I eat, you know?"

Now Bakura was on fire...

"Guys?" Anzu looked back and forth at the flaming fools. "Are you okay?"

"Look!" Marik shouted with glee, grabbing Anzu from behind. "There it is! Let's go!" Picking her up like a sack of potatoes, he threw her over his shoulder and ran inside.

Everybody notices this odd action, and quickly chases after for the girl's sake.

Walking up to the register, they, of course, encountered the strangely overly cheerful cashier with a huge grin. "Hi there! What can I get you today?"

The gang looked amongst themselves, never seen anybody so ridiculously ecstatic... especially at a place like McDonald's.

Anzu, being the closest most cheerful of the group, stepped up cautiously. "Um... I'll just have--"

Malik, being the idiotic mastermind he is, quickly jumped in front of her, slamming a hand on the counter. "She'll have five Big Macs, four jumbo fries and largest size of a Mountain Dew!"

"What?" Anzu gasped.

The other girls were... very confused.

Bakura also jumped forward, and added, "And make sure that you put plenty of salt of those greasy potato strips!"

"Huh?" Now all four girls were very baffled.

"Make that THREE of your largest Mountain Dews then!" Marik put in, also slamming a hand down on the countertop next to her other half.

"..." The women were speechless.

The cashier was not very astounded with this unusually large meal for a thin girl like Anzu Mazaki. Then again, many different types of people go to McDonald's, so who's to say what others may have gotten before?

"Sure! Anything else for you guys?" She continued like none of this was odd.

"H-Hold on!" Anzu cried out, trying to get in front of the blondes. "Wait a sec-"

Bakura, whom was right behind the 'twins', quickly grabbed the girl by the arm, dragging her off to the back of the restaurant. "Let's find a table."

"B-b-b-but-"

"NO BUTS!" And with that said, the two disappeared from site.

After some time has passed, Yami, ever so elegant, served the brunette her food, vigilantly balanced on one hand on a plastic red tray. "Your food, my dear."

Anzu didn't even notice Yami's charismatic act, but instead stared at the massive heap of food in front of her. "I can't eat all of this!"

"Do it anyways!" Bakura growled, grabbing a burger and unwrapping it.

"Why are you doing this?" She whined, turning away from Bakura's offer.

Ryou decided that he would try his ever so appealing piece, clasped his hands together in front of his chest. "To show you how much we care!"

Yugi gave her a thumbs up. "Yeah!"

Now it was the girl who was on fire. "HOW IS BUYING ME A TON OF GREASY, FATTENING FOOD CARING!"

Kaiba, shockingly held on to his patience until now, snapped. "SIT AND EAT, DAMN IT!"

"NO!"

Suddenly, two tremendous forces burst in the restaurant, running over a bunch of old ladies, halting right in front of the gang's table. It was known as...

Jounouchi and Honda.

"FOOD!" They cheered, magically pulling out bibs with a lobster on the front and silverware in each hand.

Anzu sighed with relief. "Help yourself."

The other men, however, weren't sighing with respite. "NO!" They all tried to run forward and jump on the two fools.

Unfortunately, they underestimated the absurdity of the situation, for by the time they got near the table... the food was gone.

Malik was not pleased.

Turning around slowly to the two boys, whom were now rubbing their fat bellies,he burned once more. "YOU FOOLS!"

Jounouchi and Honda looked up, only to find every other male in the gang glaring viciously at them. "Huh?"

* * *

YAY! First chapter completely rewritten and revised! Now it shall be reposted and re-reviewed! Yay again! 

Yes... I am dork.


	2. Chapter 2

Yay! Feedback! Thank you all whom hath reviewed this fanfic. I feel greatly appreciated.

Anyways, remember...

Warnings: Extreme OOC-ness, if this bothers you, LEAVE NOW! Language, unlikely couples and 'canon' coupling hints... strange things and events... Darks and lights are separated in their own bodies, which means Dark Malik exists!... etc.

Yami Yami Yugi

Bakura Dark Bakura

Marik Dark Malik

Disclaimer: ... damn it.

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Eat, Anzu, Eat!- Chapter Two

With the failure of plan #1, the gang headed back to the park. With the boys on one side of the large swing set and the girls on the other, everyone was bored out of their minds.

Yami, feeling ever so superior, stood up, facing the gang. Smirking, he crossed his arms. "Who wants to duel?" He demanded, obviously expecting half of them to fall to their knees, begging for a chance.

Obviously... that was not going to happen.

"SHUT UP!" Everyone else shouted, startling the Pharaoh.

Taking a few steps back, Yami quickly turned so nobody could see his tears. "Fine... be like that..."

Malik, the apparent mastermind of the gang, leaned forward on the swing, elbows on knees and chin propped on his fists. "Hmm..." Taking a glance up in the sky, the Egyptian watched the clouds, "... I wonder..."

The other boys that felt a need to do something followed his example.

Anzu, watching this, felt the need to twitch. Leaning over, she whispered in Mai's ear. "They're plotting again, huh?"

The blonde took a glance then closed her eyes. "Most likely."

Isis, glare towards the boys being direct and steady, quietly responded. "If my brother or his other half or any of the others try to get you to do something, just ignore them."

"Where did my brother go?" Shizuka asked, standing on one of the swings, slowly moving back and forth.

"Probably with spike-head to get more food." Mai immediately replied without a second thought.

Bakura was thinking... searching down in the dark depths of his mind. And we're not referring to his past... but the place where he keeps his secrets. Thinking... digging... searching... for an answer...

"I GOT IT!" The white-haired thief shouted, jumping off the swing so quickly that it flew back and hit Yugi in the head, knocking him out.

Yami, his spider senses tingling, quickly turned around, watching his comrade fall to the ground. "Yugi!" Rushing forward, nimbly leaping over the swing, he caught the short one before he landed, cradling him in his arms. "Yugi! Speak to me!"

"Y-Yami?" Yugi croaked, slowly opening an eye only to see his other half right before him.

"Hush, don't talk. We'll get you a doctor soon. Just hold on!" He cried out dramatically, picking up the little one and spinning around to face the gang. "Bakura! You will pay this horrendous crime!"

The white-haired man stood there, staring at his (im)mortal enemy. "What the hell are you bitching about now? It's not my fault the twit had to be standing behind my swing!"

"No, you planned this purposefully, just so you could take my Sennen Puzzle!" Yami proclaimed, earning some theatrical gasps from the gang.

"Oh, give it a rest already..." Bakura rolled his eyes, "If that was the case, then all I have to do is this." Walking up to them, he quickly grabbed the Puzzle and yanked it off of the Pharaoh. "With your arms full, you couldn't stop me, right?"

Yami was, needless to say, stunned beyond all belief. The bastard thief not only managed to take the Puzzle, but take it right in front of him as he was wearing it, holding Yugi. Could this get anymore shocking!

"Bakura!" Anzu yelled, smacking the white-haired man up the head. "Give that back already! You know it's no fun doing it like that!" Grabbing the Puzzle from his hands, the girl walked over to Yami, placing it back around his neck. "Here you go Yami. Right where it belongs." With that done, she marched back to her place with the other girls.

Bakura only crossed his arms and grunted.

Apparently, it could.

Malik blinked at the scene stupidly, feeling a little blank. Shaking his head a bit, he stood up, hurrying over to the thief's side. "What did you get Bakura?"

Bakura looked at him with a steady gaze, smirking slowly crawling across his face. "Exercise!"

Otogi, Marik and Ryou, for no reason at all, complied to his 'demand'. "Okay!" And thus, they all started doing jumping jacks, occasionally hitting the others because of their clumsiness.

"NOT THAT YOU MORONS!" The white-haired man shouted, slapping all of them across the face. "I'm talking about the woman doing exercise!" Making some hand motions, he continued, "She has those videos with that hag prancing on that tiny, bouncy circle thingie.

"He means a mini trampoline." Ryou translated for the others.

Malik glared at the tomb robber with disgust. "How do you know she has those videos?"

"Er..." Bakura flinched, realizing the hole that he just made for himself. "I... uhh..." Shifting his eyes around for an excuse and not finding one, he shrugged. "I just know these things. I mean, surely it's a woman thing to have exercise videos, right?"

Otogi chuckled, making sure to keep his distance from the man. "You were spying on her, weren't you?"

Obviously, he wasn't far enough.

"Silence, you dice mortal freak!" Bakura snapped, pummeling the poor guy to the ground.

"That was a pathetic insult," Marik replied, taking a step forward. "I think what you mean is 'You mortal dice freak!'."

Malik pondered, placing his index finger on his chin. "Or maybe 'you freaky dice mortal' is more grammatically correct."

"I'm not a dice or a freak!" Otogi cried from the ground, trying not to twitch from the immense pain he was feeling all over.

Anzu lifted an eyebrow. "They're making fun of Otogi again."

"Well..." Mai paused, cocking her head to the side, "The boy is a little strange to begin with..."

Suddenly, in a flash without the flash, a random ghetto boy walked by, setting down his excessively large boombox on the sidewalk, turning it on to full blast... and walks away.

Everybody started at the random act.

Isis broke the silence first by asking the obvious. "Why did that young man leave his item there?"

After listening to ten thousand pointless commercials about Viagra and hot clubs in the city that are obviously places to avoid, the DJ came back on, now playing the latest of latest hits.

Anzu perks up after hearing the first chord. "Oh, I love this song!" With that said, she immediately jumped up and started doing a funky dance.

The men, of course being extremely out of character in this story, were immediately mesmerized by this.

Surprisingly, Bakura, who is beyond out of his character, snapped out of the daze first. "NO! WAIT!" Leaping from his spot, he pounced on the unaware female, tackling her to the ground like a football player knocking down his opponent.

Anzu, smacking her head from the force, started mumbling about all sorts of crazy things. "D-Did... anyone catch the number... of that ship?" Well, maybe not that many things and not that crazy.

The white-haired man was highly offended. "Oooh, so now you think I'm like a ship, huh?" He shouted at the unconscious girl. "Well then, starve to death for all I care! I just happen to like skinny girls anyways!"

Malik smacked his own forehead. "That didn't make any sense, whatsoever."

"Hey, insults are a turn-on for me, all right?" The thief shouted back, clenching a fist at the young Egyptian.

"Right... anyways... WHY THE HELL DID YOU JUMP HER LIKE THAT? That's not how you have sex! Even I, the one whom was stuck underground for so many damn years, know that!" And with that, he smacked his ex-partner across the face.

By this point, Yami has covered Yugi's ears and Mai covered Shizuka's.

"Bastard." Bakura growled, rubbing his cheek. "I jumped her because she was exercising!"

You should all know that Anzu is lying on the ground, unconscious and Bakura is sitting on top of her at this point.

"Tomb robber, you still have not explained yourself." Yami may have stated quietly, but the force of his awesome powers were not to be ignored.

Kaiba, in absolute denial of anything that may have happened in the past, shifted his eyes around, looking for the source of the strange electrifying wind that passed through.

"Dumbass!" Clearing his throat, Bakura went for a more intelluctual approach, "When a person exercises on a regular basis, they are usually heading towards the weight loss zone, especially if they choose the cardio workout... at least, that's what it says on Ryou's running ramp thingie." He ended stupidly.

Everyone turned towards Ryou, who in turn, rolled his eyes. "He means a treadmill."

"Oooh," Everyone nodded in understanding... and then dramatically gasped. "NO!"

"Yes!" Bakura responded with equal ferocity.

"NO!"

"Yes, damn it! Now shut up!" He screamed, scaring all the little children away... at least, the ones he hasn't scared yet.

Suddenly, a gasp of breath was heard from below. "Help..." Then a little cough, "Please... can't... b-breathe..."

"Huh?" Bakura looked around, dog ears forming on his head.

"Moron! Get off of her!" Kaiba shouted, smacking the poor guy again. "You're obviously too much weight for her body to handle!"

Bakura glared, now rubbing his other cheek. "OH, SO NOW YOU THINK I'M A SHIP TOO, HUH? Well guess what? I'm not turned on by you!"

Kaiba stared speechless for a moment, then smacked his forehead. "Idiot...," he growled, grabbing the thief by the collar of his shirt, "What I meant was that Mazaki is so skinny at this point that even a little bit of weight on top of her would be too much for her deteriorating health to handle!" And with that, he yanked the man off, throwing him into the bushed behind.

Otogi blinked, pursing his lips. "I wonder how much she weighs?"

Malik snorted, as if this was too obvious of a question, "At this rate, she's probably down to 70 pounds, give or take."

The other men gasped, arms braced in front of them for an extra effect. "NO!"

"Sad, isn't it? Mazaki!" The tanned blonde shouted, shaking the girl by the shoulders. "Wake up!"

The dancer mumbled about various items, including marshmallows, dead rabbits and a mailbox.

Malik was silent, trying to make sense of that practically impossible combination. Blinking, he shook his head quickly and threw the girl over his shoulder. "Okay, let's go to my house and continue our plans!" Turning around, the blonde ran a couple feet, walked up the steps and opened the door. "This way."

Nobody moved, for they were unaware of the fact that...

"Your house is in the park?" Ryou questioned stupidly, gazing at the massive building in the middle of the playground.

"... yes." Malik coughed, turning his head away so nobody could see him blush. "It was Marik's idea..."

"Ah.." Then it made sense. The mysteries of the universe were solved. Time travel was possible. Our world is really ruled by hamsters and their cat minions.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kaiba cut in, obviously getting irritated by all of this nonsense.

Nothing, don't worry about it, Kaiba.

"Hmph."

"ANYWAYS... everyone get inside now! It's going to rain!" The saner Egyptian called out, pointing at the sky. When everyone, including the non-gang members, looked up, there were dark clouds gathering indeed. So every being, that was currently in the park walked into the home, down to the last squirrel.

"Hey... it's a little crowded in here." Mai complained, trying to push a couple kids' heads away from her chest.

"I agree." Yami complained, trying to hold onto the still unconscious Yugi with one hand and getting those annoying chipmunks out of his hair with the other.

Shoving his way by pushing people out of the window, Malik forced his way to the couch, smacking a couple off and placing Anzu down. Turning around, he cleared his throat for a speech. "All of you assholes that don't really belong here, GET THE HELL OUT!"

Nobody moved... and the rain was getting very heavy outside.

Veins were popping. Steam was blowing. Tan was becoming red, like an after sunburn. "ALL OF YOU DIE!" And the dam bursts.

When 10 minutes has passed, the gang were comfortably seated in various spots in the living room space of the home, except for Yami who couldn't get the birds to stop building a nest on his head. Yugi was on the floor next to him, still in a semi-coma.

"Weakling." Bakura snorted, kicking the little one in the side.

"DIE FOOL!" And all of the birds flew at the tomb robber due to the awesome force of the Pharaoh and his godly being.

Bakura screamed, waving his arms like a loony, failing hopelessly.

Everybody else chuckled at the sight, then returned to the current matter.

"Hey..." Otogi started, looking around at the spacious room, "You have a really large house... I know Isis works in the museum but still..."

"Hmph." Kaiba snorted, crossing his arms, as well as his legs for an extra effect, leaning back on his chair. "This is nothing."

Tossing a glare at the tall CEO, the blonde returned to the other. "What? You don't think I work as well?" Malik snapped, throwing a vase at the dice lover, nearly colliding with his head. "I have a job too, thank you very much!"

"Which is...?"

"... not important right now. We have Mazaki to deal with." Clearing his throat, the Egyptian spun back in his original position, leaving the others to wonder...

"Grr..." A strange sound was coming from the seemingly unconscious girl, causing Malik to blink. Leaning closer, he noticed the twitching in the eyebrows. Cautiously, he lifted a hand to touch and calm when...

"DON'T TOUCH HER FOOL!" The white-haired thief shouted, hair in an unintentional bird's nest style, grabbing the blonde by the hair and yanking him off the couch. Flipping him off, Bakura took Malik's place and was just about to lean over when...

"TAKE THAT!" Swiftly, the brunette sat up, smacking the tomb robber full-force across the face, causing him to fly off the couch.

Landing on the ground with a loud thump, his face started to swell... badly. "Oohhh..."

Blinking, Anzu looked around at her surroundings, "Where are...?" Gasping, she leaned over the couch edge, staring at the fallen body. "BAKURA!" Grabbing him by the arms, she yanked him back up next to her. "I'm so sorry, I didn't realize it was you!" Pulling the white-haired man towards her, Anzu gently pressed his head against her chest (not really intentionally... she doesn't realize the effect this has on men), stroking his hair.

Bakura thought he had finally died and went to paradise... since he doesn't believe in heaven... but believes in hell... then again, he doesn't really understand any of it anyways, so we're just using paradise as a generic term.

"BASTARD! Attacking me like a damn woman!" And so, the blonde Egyptian pulls Bakura away from the startled Anzu and scratched him across his already-very-swollen cheeks, causing him to bleed.

"AHH! BLOOD!" Yugi, who just randomly woke up, screamed, scrambling around like a dog on drugs until he found Yami's lap, in which he snuggled his way on to.

The others tried to ignore the painfully disturbing scene, focusing on the fighting men.

Bakura was not happy. Of course, when is he ever happy? Never, that's when. But now, he was just even more angry than he was...20 seconds ago.

Malik, being theweirdo he is, made a banshee scream, tackling the tomb robber to the ground that was unexplainably muddy.

A mud war rages on.

Poor Isis were so humiliated by this new turnabout that the Egyptian woman led everyone into a separate and totally different living room... at least, one that didn't contain mud. Of course, everyone save the fighting men and the sparkle twins.

Clearing his throat, Ryou felt that he should be the new, saner leader of the so-called manly plot of making Anzu skinny even though they weren't doing anything of that nature. Taking a seat on the couch next to the short-haired girl, he made a charming smile... causing every female in the room to sigh.

Marik, feeling left out, shoved his way through and forced himself between Ryou and Anzu, placing his arm around the girl's shoulder, just because he wanted to and nobody could do anything about it. Just to add on to the feeling of superiority, he also nudged the white-haired boy slowly to the edge of the couch until he landed on the ground with a thump.

"Marik!" Anzu shouted, smacking the dark-skinned boy's leg. "What did you do that for?"

"Because I wanted to." Was the flat-out, simple response. Unfortunately, nobody dared to argue against his so-called logical answer.

Screams and sloshing noises were still heard from the next room, along with a sobbing and comforting sounds in between.

* * *

Umm... okay, I know that those who may have read and REMEMBER this... I changed the ending drastically... in fact, this ending barely has any connection to the old ending whatsoever. If this bothers you... I apologize. But prepare yourselves for the next chapter... sure to come this year! HAHAHAHA! Please R&R and I'll give you a rubber ducky... a pink or blue one, your choice. 


	3. Chapter 3

NO, I'm not continuing this. I found this chapter with 5 pages written and figured I would finish it. Please understand that I have not watched/read anything of YGO since… I don't even know when… 2005, or something.

I just felt that it would be a waste for this to sit around and that there may be a few fans out there, so if there are, this chapter is dedicated to all of you readers.

Warnings: Extreme OOC-ness, if this bothers you, LEAVE NOW! Language, unlikely couples and 'canon' coupling implications... strange things and events... Darks and lights are separated in their own bodies, which means Dark Malik exists!... etc

Disclaimer: Nope

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Eat, Anzu, Eat- Chapter Three

After Malik cleaned himself up in one of his golden, glorious bathrooms that were fit for a Pharaoh who loved gold… which I'm sure they all did, but that's not the point.

Anyways, with fresh new clothes put on and all of his jewelry cleaned off with only the best ultrasonic cleaner available in the world, Malik returned to the awaiting gang in the second living room of the house.

Opening the double doors with grace, he faced the people within.

"Malik." Isis called out, raising a hand to point. "You forgot your pants again."

"…. Damn it." Closing the doors, he quickly rushed back up the many staircases, into his comfort of a bedroom. Throwing open his excessively large closet, the blonde dug through his many pairs of leather pants, searching for the cleanest pair. Pulling them on, he turned only to come face-to-face with a wet, naked Bakura with a towel.

If this were to be a yaoi story of sorts, I'm sure Malik and Bakura would be getting it on, right at this moment.

But since it is not…

"What the hell are you doing naked in my room!" Malik shouted, covering his eyes dramatically.

Bakura narrowed his eyes. "I need clothes, fool. Give me something to wear."

"Excuse me? Did you just give me an order in my house?" The Egyptian demanded with his eyes still covered.

"Yes."

"Well… err… fine!" Putting down his hands but looking in a different direction, the blonde points towards his closet grudgingly. "Just pick something out of there. And make it snappy!" With that said, he stormed out of the room, stomps heard going down the steps.

Waiting until the noise lessened, the white-haired thief turned towards the large, open closet with a malicious grin.

Gasping for his breath, Malik took that final step down, cursing the man above… I mean, Bakura, since he's upstairs, not God. Anyways, he walked down the hall, pushing only one door open in an ungraceful manner.

Isis looked up once more. "Malik."

"WHAT?" Slamming his hands against his body, he checked his attire. Pants. Check. Shirt. Check. Shoes. Check. Jewelry. Check. "I have all of my clothes!"

"Yes, you do, but your hair is sticking up much like Marik's."

Gasping, Malik reached up, only to feel his golden locks in a spiky, messy state. Screaming, he ran back the stairs.

A moment later, another scream was heard from above… I mean, upstairs, not in heaven or space, silly.

Isis sighed, bowing her head in a regretful manner. "I apologize to all of you." She said, indicating the remainder of the gang in the room. "Rishid, please assist him."

"Yes." Removing himself from that spot against the wall that he mentally claimed as his spot, the tall man walked out of the room, making his way up the steps, only to come across a horrifying, yet amusing sight.

With clothes, jewelry and other sorts of decorative items thrown all over the place, and some, but it was only a guess on Rishid's part though he was pretty certain of it, may have gone out the window, considering the broken glass, Malik's bedroom, was needless to say, a disaster.

And there was the said boy, standing shock-still at the entrance, mouth agape and finger raised to point, trembling, at another man.

Bakura, standing in the middle of all of this, was currently striking a match, hovered over a large pile of leather pants. Glancing up at the two intruders, he frowned. "Ishtar, you really need to get a new style. These pants are impossibly tight and very uncomfortable."

"Y-You're wearing a pair right now!" Malik managed to spit out, running over to stop the thief.

"Yes, these were the loosest I could find. Which is quite the contradicting thing to say, considering the tightness I'm feeling right now." Bakura commented, stepping back to trip the blonde, causing him to fall over. "And your shirts are ridiculous."

"Again! You're wearing one!" The Egyptian boy screamed, lunging forward to catch the dropped match. "AHH!" He yelped, blowing into his hands.

"Yes, this shirt provided the most coverage that I could find. Not that I think I'm fat or anything. On the contrary, I consider myself quite fit, but I really don't have the desire to flaunt it off unlike some fools." The white-haired man explained calmly, ready to strike another match, if not for another interference.

"That's quite enough." Rishd cut in, grabbing the box of matches out of the thief's hands. "If you burn the clothes, you burn the floor, which of course, is part of the house that you would burn down with all of the occupants residing inside, including yourself and Miss Mazaki."

Bakura paused, staring at the man hovering over him. Frowning, he flipped his hair (yes, he flipped it though it may be just the effect of his attire) and stalked out of the room. Watching him disappear, Rishid kneeled down next to his young master, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Are you all right, Master Malik?"

"Rishid… do you think my wardrobe is ridiculous?" The boy asked, sniffling.

"No, of course not. I admire your ability to pull these kinds of clothes with elegance." Rishid complimented, smiling gently.

"Really?" Malik asked, making chibi eyes, one finger resting against his lips.

"Yes."

"Yay! Okay, Rishid, clean this room up. I have a girl to fatten up!" And with that said, he ran out of the room, leaving behind poor Rishid.

"Stupid, ungrateful, selfish, bastardized…" The man mumbled all sorts of insults under his breath, resisting the temptation to burn all of the clothes himself.

Bursting into the living room for the third time, not caring that he never fixed his hair, Malik faced the gang. "GUYS! I HAVE AN I-AHH!" Screaming, he reverted back into his shock-stilled position, finger trembling as he, once again, pointed at the white-haired thief.

"Wow Bakura, I never knew that you would look so good in leather." Anzu commented, checking out the boy, who in turn, was obviously pleased.

"There's a lot of things you don't know about me Mazaki." He chuckled, smirking as he struck a pose (yes, you read that right, POSE).

"Yes, I must say, you really can pull this look off." Mai commented, staring at Bakura's backside, just because you know you wouldn't be able to resist not looking if you could see it for yourself.

"Yes, very handsome!" Shizuka added, hands clasped together as she scanned his whole body, despite Jounouchi's sputtered protests from the background.

"Ladies, please, calm down." The white-haired man waved his hands in front of him, with that irritating smirk still plastered on his face. "I believe Ishtar was going to say something, hmm?" He teased, motioning towards the door.

Twitching, the said Egyptian boy suddenly lunged at the white-haired man, tackling him to the ground. "I'LL KILL YOU!"

Some time later…

"All right, now we can continue on with our plans." Malik said, jerking at the collar wrapped around his neck. Isis tugged at the leash, frowning. Sighing, he put his hands down. Turning his head, he focused on the boys. "I call an emergency meeting with the boys!" Looking at his sister, he motioned her to go as far back she could.

The other boys gathered around, forming a huddle in the middle of the sidewalk. The girls patiently stood at the side, trying not to make it obvious that they were trying to listen in on the conversation.

"All right, I have an idea." Malik whispered so quietly that everyone had to get in as close as possible, ramming their faces against each other.

Lifting his hands, he started making hand motions. For a bit, no one understood what he was trying to say until Ryou figured it out.

"CANDY!" He shouted, jumping in the air with glee, accidentally pulling on to another leash, causing Bakura to choke.

"Damn it, how many times have I told you not to do that?" He screamed, pulling back on the leash, causing Ryou to fall over and land on everyone because they were all still in their tight little huddle.

"AHH!" All of them fell over, creating a large pile of bodies. The girls, by this point, looked away as if they had nothing to do with the guys.

Somehow ending up at the bottom, Seto Kaiba growled, gaining Hulk strength and throwing everyone off of him. Standing up, he cracked his neck and brushed off his clothes as if it was nothing.

Picking himself off from the car hood, Malik growled, jumping down. "What was that for!" He demanded, stalking up to the CEO, giving him his best glare.

Kaiba, of course, was completely unfazed by the look and returned a bitter glare of his own. "I couldn't breathe. Is it a crime that I try to save myself?" He questioned so coldly that Malik thought he got frostbites.

Shivering unintentionally, he looked away, realizing his loss. "No, I just felt like complaining. Don't mind me."

Ryou, already recovered from the crash with a nearby outdoor restaurant table, was currently pulling on his leash in which the other end was somewhere inside the manhole in the street. "Guys! Help me!"

Yami, feeling heroic, despite torn clothes and messed-up hair (than it already is, that is) due to the broken store window, jumped forward, snatching the leash out of the white-haired boy's hands. Putting himself in a comfortable position, he leaned forward and then threw himself backwards, yanking on the leash as if his life depended on it. "C'mon, you bastard! Get out of there!"

Though slightly muffled at first, curses and rants could be heard from below, slowly coming up quite loudly, causing near rumble effects to the ground.

Feeling herself losing balance, Anzu grabbed hold of the closest object to her, which happened to be Otogi. The flirt, feeling quite manly at this point, due to the idea that he somehow managed to prevent himself from suffering any sort of bodily damage from Kaiba's attack, smoothly wrapped an arm around the girl's slim waist, hoisting her closer to suffice his own impure desires.

(Please note that I'm continuing this after 4 years. Anything after this point that sounds weird, out of place, or senseless to the show or characters, I apologize)

"Huh?" Anzu looked at him, confusion written all over her face.

"Bastard!" Marik shouted, slamming a fist in Otogi's face, the epic force causing the boy to fly across the street into a brick wall.

Anzu gasped, collapsing to her knees. "Oh my god!"

The blonde-haired psycho struck a pose. "I know, right? I'm so strong."

Bakura, who finally made it out the manhole and kicked Yami in the nuts, stalked over. "You ingrate!" He lunged at his enemy, tackling him to the ground. "Eat concrete, you worthless piece of rubbish!"

Marik wheezed from the pressure, using his nails to scratch at the thief's face viciously. "Why are you attacking me? I didn't do anything to you yet!"

"You have to be a substitute because that cold-hearted bastard has entirely too much money for me to fight against." Bakura explained, his eyes shifting to the young CEO. They both looked at the brown-haired boy standing in the center of the wreckage, and then at each other.

"Okay, I understand." Marik nodded, laying back to ready himself. "Go ahead."

Bakura nodded as well, raising a fist.

Yami, finally getting his breath back and willing the pain below to go away, ran towards the white-haired demented man. "DIE IN THE NAME OF RA!" Using a fly tackle technique, Yami smashed his foot in the center of Bakura's face, causing him to fall over harshly into the sidewalk.

Yugi got really scared that the police would show up, although thinking back on it; they probably should have showed up a long, _long_ time ago. He stood up at all his height, even though he was at eye-level with that six-year-old kid that was staring at him from across the park, Yugi picked up a toy tractor and threw it at the fight.

Ryou was in the process of running over to grab Bakura's leash to pull him out of the brawl, but tripped over the plastic plaything, smashing his body against the ground.

"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Malik yelled, crushing his head into a park bench for a boosted effect. Every member of the gang stopped what they were doing, staring at the tanned-skinned weirdo.

Isis frowned, tugging on his leash. "Malik, control yourself."

"Sorry." He hung his head, crawling over to her on all fours.

She reached down and patted him on the head. "Good boy." She reached down to the collar, unhooking the clip. "You're free now."

"Yes!" Malik jumped up, pumping a fist in the air.

Everyone disregarded this strange behavior, readjusted themselves and came back together as a group.

"So what are we doing?" Mai asked, smacking on some bubble gum.

"Candy." Malik stated flatly, grabbing hold of Anzu's hand. "We're buying a shit ton of candy and getting crazy sugar-high on it."

The brown-haired girl glanced down at her hand enclosed in the tan one with a blank look, but didn't say anything.

"TO THE STORE!" With that, the former villain stalked off with Anzu unwillingly in tow.

Despite that they wanted to rip the boy apart, the other men kept their antagonism in check while following the duo. The rest of the girls followed the boys from behind to make sure they don't run off and do something insanely outlandish.

Two hours later after some confusion and yelling and re-directing, they finally made it to the biggest candy store in town. In fact, it was so huge that it took up three town block and was apparently the tallest skyscraper in sight with a staggering 400 floors.

Bakura looked at the building with disgust. "How the hell did we miss this ludicrous slab of steel! It's the biggest thing available in the whole goddamn country."

The others didn't respond, also equally confused.

Isis gestured towards the entrance. "It seems we will have to go through a mass amount of security just to get through the door."

They stared at all the huge, bulking men dressed in black armor, holding various types of guns, rifle, swords, and other weapons. In fact, there was a line of men holding crossbows off to the side, ready to fire.

"This looks…" Ryou paused, biting his bottom lip. "Excessive."

"It's a candy store, right?" Shizuka asked, holding on to her brother's arm. "What else could be in there?"

"It seems that the government just wanted to waste its money on something needless." Kaiba commented dryly, arms crossed.

The gang murmured in agreement, shifting their feet around.

"So… what do we do?" Anzu asked, finally freeing her hand from the iron-clad grasp. Malik pouted. "I mean… I don't feel like getting felt up by security for a piece of candy."

The women agreed, but the men mistook the statement more seriously.

"WHAT!" Marik exclaimed, his hair flaming up even more so than usual. "THOSE HUGE MEN WILL MOLEST ANZU!"

"NOT ON MY WATCH!" Bakura yelled, sparks forming around his fists.

Yami actually started yelling, a bright blue lightning aura surrounding his body.

The most surprising part was that Malik actually turned into a Super Saiyan out of rage.

Seriously.

His already-messy hair turned into a lighter blonde and his purple eyes turned into an aquamarine color. A shock of energy flashed up his body, the concrete beneath his feet cracking and giving way to the force.

The non-angry ones slowly backed away before turning around to run for their lives.

Marik, Bakura, Yami and Malik ignored them and launched their fierce attack on the impressively large security men. A war raged on.

It's hard to explain how the battle progressed, what was destroyed, or how much gore was spread, but let's just say it was well-fought and surely earned victory.

For the security men, that is.

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And that's it! Hoped you enjoyed this piece for it's my final offering for the YGO fandom. Please leave a review if you liked (or even hated, I don't care)!


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